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Renzee lee is an obsessive bibliophile, professional writer, and millennial mama to two precocious pre-teens from Oregon. She built and maintains her website www.CountYourWords.com to coach creatives to reach their ultimate selves, dreams and goals. Head on over to grab her sweet Slammin’ Productivity Course (psst, it’s free!).
Today Renzee inspires us to pursue our passion with self-permission, an important message for us all! Without further ado, her she is!
For a couple of years now, I’ve child-minded twin boys after school. They come home with my son off the school bus. The other day, one of the boys came to me to ask permission if he could use the bathroom.
I laughed a bit because the twins ask me permission like this all the time. Can I put my sweater on? Can I get a drink of water? Can I eat my snack? Can I use the bathroom?
As we were growing up, asking permission for everything was appropriate. Although that served us in the sense that we were learning about our world and how to function within it, this behavior and belief carried with us into our adulthood.
Without even thinking about it, we ask for permission daily. How often do you find yourself executing an idea without first consulting with someone about it first? We weren’t taught how to ask permission from ourselves, so we don’t. We were only taught how to ask for permission from others.
Deeply Rooted Beliefs
Self-permission is the answer you give yourself when asking just how much space you’re allowing toward achieving a particular goal. However, stem beliefs inform how we view the world and our place within it:
- Wives are supposed to . . .
- Good moms only…
- My purpose in life is to…
- My family should look like…
Go ahead, skim these and watch how your mind automatically fills in the blanks. You have beliefs on these topics whether you are consciously aware of them or not.
Our deeply rooted belief systems, whether they come from our family, church, or society, inform and decide how much authority we give ourselves over our own lives.
Any possible goal or dream or image you have for your future only becomes possible in your mind if that goal or dream first fits into your deeply rooted world-view and beliefs. This might look like:
Maybe I will write my novel once my children are grown up. (The limiting belief is that others control your timeline.)
Starting that non-profit will cut into time with my partner. (The limiting belief is that other’s needs come before your’s.)
I didn’t start young enough. (The limiting belief is that it’s too late.)
Not only are these limiting beliefs holding you back in the literal sense, but the lack of self-permission to go for it will stay with you even when you have more time, the children are out of the house, you have a budget to do so, etc.
If you don’t permit yourself right now, here, today, to achieve your dreams and goals, you will never reach those dreams and goals even when the perfect situation presents itself.
Because it isn’t about whether you have enough time, money, or space in your life. It’s about those limiting beliefs which inform your ability to give yourself the gift of self-permission.
Free Yourself From Limiting Beliefs
Because limiting beliefs are hard-wired within us, they aren’t always easy to identify.
Identify your limiting beliefs using the process below:
- In the mindset of your child-self, make a list of all the dreams you were confident you would achieve in your life. Write it all down.
- Identify and set apart the dreams that have the most emotional punch for you, including any additional goals you’ve had as an adult.
- With one dream at a time, journal fluidly about why you think you have not achieved it yet. Let it be the first reason(s) that comes to mind (i.e. don’t manufacture it based on what you *think* it should be). Honesty is key.
- When you’ve journaled about each emotionally charged dream, go back and find consistent themes or excuses among them.
These themes could look like:
- I don’t have the time to dedicate.
- I wouldn’t know where to start because I’m not an expert.
- I don’t have what it takes to pull this off.
- I’m too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too loud, too quiet, etc.
- I’ve never followed through on anything.
- I will fail.
- It’s too embarrassing to fail.
The consistent themes that show up in your excuses are the limiting beliefs you have about yourself and your abilities.
How have your limited beliefs held you back? Overall, they have kept you from achieving your dreams. But what specifically have they held you back from reaching?
For example, say your limiting belief is that you don’t have time to dedicate toward working on your goals. This limiting belief has specifically held you back from prioritizing your time to include working on your goals. Some more examples could look like:
- My fear of failure has prevented me from taking any steps toward my goals.
- My feeling of lacking expertise has prevented me from obtaining the knowledge I need to become an expert.
- My feeling like I’m not good enough has prevented me from making my goals a priority.
- My body image has prevented me from putting myself out there.
Ladies, this step is hard. It is hard. You are going against the grain of those deeply held beliefs to find your truth, even if those beliefs no longer serve you. We are habitual creatures by nature, even in thought. Luckily, you also have the power to change.
Giving Yourself the Gift of Self-Permission
Self-permission promotes psychological well-being in people who don’t allow themselves to thrive.
In other words, self-permission can free you from the limits your deeply rooted beliefs are causing in your daily life.
So how the heck do you give yourself permission based on a new understanding of your beliefs?
I coach creatives on how to organize life so they can achieve their goals and dreams. Recently, I was speaking to a new client and was surprised to hear that she needed any help at all. I knew this person to be organized, proactive, and productive, so how the heck was I going to help her when she already had all the essential elements?
And then she said, I will never forgive myself for living a life I have nothing to show for.
Broke. My. Heart.
But then it made sense. My client could manage her day-to-day life like a breeze, but what she couldn’t do is get past her perceived failures. Her limiting belief was that she’d wasted her life, and now it’s too late. Her disappointment in herself became crippling.
Ladies, we all need to forgive ourselves already. We are on this perpetual cycle of allowing our limited beliefs to shape our lives, become disappointed that our lives aren’t what we wish them to be, then come down so hard on ourselves which prevents us from moving forward!
Stop the cycle now by having compassion and forgive yourself.
PS- forgiving yourself is a challenging process.
Forgive yourself daily with:
Put Yourself First
When I had the first of my two children, I, like many other doting mothers wanted the best for my daughter. At the time, I held a limiting belief that if my daughter wasn’t sleeping, then she needed my full attention.
That meant that when she was sleeping (which wasn’t a heck of a lot), it was the only time I allowed myself to take care of my basic needs like eating, showering, and cleaning — but only if my partner was also well taken care of. Forget any personal goals and dreams, am I right?
Listen, you mammas know that being a mother can at times feel like a thankless job. But there is a way to take care of your family and responsibilities simultaneously without compromising self-care and personal development (via an achievement).
And it starts with putting yourself first.
If your reaction to what you just read is, “but that’s just selfish!” you may wish to consider the idea that your response may be indicative of a limiting belief.
Selfishness, by definition, is a lack of consideration for others. How the heck are you being considerate to those around you when you are energy drained and probably feel like crap because you are just going through the motions of life? You are not giving them your best self.
Putting yourself first looks like:
- Getting a full night’s sleep, regardless of what others are doing.
- Saying no to activities that don’t serve you and thus freeing up time for your goal activities.
- Asking for help, even if you think you *should* do it yourself.
- Ceasing to engage with negative behaviors in others.
PS – if you struggle with saying “no,” try saying this instead:
“I’d love to help you! I’m available from 11-12 or 3-4. Which works better for you?” (Your time is yours to choose how to use.)
“I’d love to play that game with you. I can do that later at 5.” (Just because someone requests your time, doesn’t mean you drop everything.)
“Since I am unavailable to join the PTA, I would love to donate books instead.” (Coming up with an alternative can please all involved parties.)
Simplify Your Life
Part of putting yourself first is simplifying your life and here is why.
Simplifying your life clears the noise. When the majority of noise in your life is intentional (e.g., activities of your choosing), you are manifesting the life you want naturally. You are telling the universe, I am making room for [your dream].
Simplifying your life might look like:
- Letting go of toxic relationships. (including friends and family)
- Shutting down systems that don’t serve you (find yourself doing busy work often? Yeah, that’s procrastination to avoid the important stuff)
- Saying no to activities that you *should* do. (think instead about the activities that you *could* do, like take steps toward your dreams!)
- Asking for more help with your daily tasks, or delegate your tasks that everyone could be helping out with. (like domestic chores)
Simplifying your life does not mean that you cut down on the things you enjoy: quite the opposite, my friends.
By cutting the fat, you are freeing up your time to fill with things that bring you joy every day. Fill that time with activities that feed your soul. Those activities you enjoy will be connected, in one way or another, to your dreams.
P.S – here are a few things you can do today to simplify your life:
- To your partner: It would be a massive help to me if you could take care of dinner tonight. Thank you!
- Make a list of three things you can say no to this week.
- To your children: Mommy wants to work on my project, so instead of doing both those activities tonight, how about you chose one for tonight, and one for tomorrow?
- List three household chores this week that you can let go of!
You Are Ready
When you challenge your limiting beliefs, you are permitting yourself to grow.
When you forgive yourself, you are permitting yourself to move forward with your life.
When you put your needs first, you are permitting yourself to take care of yourself and what matters to you. As you learn to respect yourself, people will learn to appreciate you too.
When you simplify your life and fill it with more joy, you are permitting yourself to create space to pursue your passion. Others will jump on the passion train along with you.
If you continue to ask permission from yourself, instead of others, your life will naturally become centered around the passionate image of your bright, beautiful future.
Here’s Your Pin!